Amazon

Why does amazon insist on recommending books and DVDs that I've already purchased from Amazon? I mean, there are just about a million reasons why that is inefficient, a waste of time, money and a turnoff in terms of future customer base.
p.s. I just discovered today is only Tuesday. That may explain part of my wrath.

cabs (redux)

so assuming you are in a cab and the cab driver is speaking in a foreign language. 9 times out of 10 this means he isn't talking to you, but about about that 1 in 10 time when you're not sure? when clearly his comment has something to do with the common situation you are experiencing (traffic etc) and thus a response would be apprropriate. And yet, how are you supposed to know what to respond given the language gap? And would he think it would be weird for you to respond, to enter his space, as it were? Should you laugh politely, say "can you believe this," "tut-tut" in a sort of british manner and shake your head as you absently play with your blackberry. What is the solution? More later, must go to meeting.

Review of Blue Velvet

Clearly, I missed something. What was the excitement that was supposed to come from this? What was so innovative and intriguing? I mean, as far as I can tell, it's just a condescending take on what life is like for "average" people, and assuming there even are average people. I am disappointed.

Frustration

I just again woke up thinking it was 12 hours later than it actually was. And this time I was fully dressed and rushing out the door, making sure I had enough cab fare (b.c. by these calculations I was otherwise going to be late for a meeting). SOOOO intolerable. This hasn't happened to me since high school.

Spiderman

Admittedly, my on work decision to climb the exterior of the Sears Tower, on the condition that I figure out someway that all the news stories about it would include the word "spiderman" was probably a little off. I blame the morning, the walk, and my general distaste for people who walk slowly and don't obey the rules of walking (a short stocking stuffer book that if I get my act together should be ready for this year's festivities). But what was ready incredible was that the reason I really didn't pursue it any further is that I have no idea where you would get the equipment necessary for such a feat. I can barely find things that should be easy to get on the internet, let alone sticky devices that are going to get me to the top of one of the tallest buildings in the world. So I talked myself out of it, and went to work instead. Perhaps for another day, or perhaps another idea that will lead to greatness. But I guess the moral of the story is that I really shouldn't be left alone, even for the half hour walk to work. I may need to find a work-walking buddy.

Blah...

Ever have the impression that you would like to just drop off the face of the earth? That if you have to respond to one more e-mail or phone call or text message that that will be it, that you will collapse and die the way people used to die of "old age," just somehow perish because it was appropriate and your time?
And then alternately you're making all these plans that cause that to be an entirely unrealistic scenario, in terms of fixing, that is.
Such a sleepytime bear...

Temper

One more comment before I really delve into work - do I really need to improve my temper? I mean, the reality is that my seeming "overreactions" are actually appropriate given the idiocy of the people with whom I am dealing. So perhaps my reaction is an important teaching tool for them - they will think twice before saying stupid things, reflect on their responses, consider alternatives, learn how to deal with people on a more realistic basis and generally become better employees. The best employees are always the ones who've gone through hell in terms of customer service b.c. they understand how to deal with people and how to respond to their visceral reactions. So perhaps I am doing society a favor by being troublesome/reactionary, I don't know, generally socially unacceptable, because I am helping others learn to deal with the real world and not just the fake world of people from Omaha who are just happy about everything and would never complain violently about the lack of gluten-free food options on a stranded flight.

Newark

Oh! And then Sunday night I ended up on the tarmac at newark for approximately 7 hours. I calculated that I have been in and out of Newark a minimum of 50 times, which is a lot for a place that is such a shit-hole (and I don't use that term lightly). I almost didn't care b.c. earlier it magically took me 40 minutes to find a sushi place in union square (all these places were closed on Sunday, it was surreal), then my ride to the airport canceled at the last minute, I had to take a cab, the cab driver threw me out due to some disputes over the fare calculation and my choice of language (that escalated nicely, as it tends to do when people try to tell me I'm in the wrong), I couldn't get on the earlier flight despite my status and so I just went into mental shock and hybernation mode. Apart from swearing, sotto voce, at the stewardasses as they screamed at the people in the seats next to me about whether they wanted drinks when it was clear that I was sleeping. I need to send a series of complaints to United (they also canceled my original flight to ny w/out telling me and just sent me a notice that my flight to denver has been rerouted), not that it ever does me any good, or that those fools in India care that I can't sleep on the tarmac in a place they've only vaguely heard of (I swear I repeated and spelled out "Newark" like 10 times and they're asking me for an alternate name and, well, again, I need to learn to control my temper). I will note that my fare for this trip magically went down by $50 AFTER I booked the ticket, which was pretty fascinating. So perhaps I can only complain so much?

Passing out - intentionally

I forgot (b.c. I've been sleeping for about a week now) to post about the intentional passing out. It is called a tilt table test and so you go to the hospital, they place you on a table, put you at a 70 degree angle (why exactly the dr said was unclear and it's weird b.c. you just feel like you're standing and not at an angle at all) they set up heart and blood pressure monitors and just check things out every 2 minutes for 40 minutes. So I sort of knew nothing would happen, because this isn't my passing out pattern. I get dizzy and sweaty and things go black from me standing up too long in the morning but I never actually pass out. And nothing did happen. But it turns out my internet research had failed me and there was a second part to the test - nitroglycerin. If nothing happens after the 40 minutes, they give you this tab to dissolve under your tongue. I'm thinking, well that won't have any effect b.c. it's not intravenous. Within 30 seconds I have the worst headache of my life and within a minute my eyes are closed (because I can't bear to have them open anymore), I feel horribly nauseous and seriously have the sensation I am about to die. The next time I'm conscious I'm kind of not quite conscious but it doesn't feel like I'm at an angle anymore. Minutes pass. Slowly I kind of come to. And the technician says, that was it, a positive tilt table test. My blood pressure dropped to 30 over something, as she tells me, and my heart rate went to zero for 8 seconds. So obviously, I passed out. It was a pretty gross passing out and completely unlike my other episiodes, except for one in high school that was an unrelated matter, but I guess in the end, wasn't, since it turns out I have this thing. So anyways, that was a rather enlightening morning that will no doubt cost me several hundred more dollars. I sort of feel like just letting northwestern do a direct withdrawal from my bank account on a monthly basis. Although I do enjoy their multi-page monthly bills detailing all the doctors I've seen and tests they've done. I feel like I've accomplished something with my time.

And the weirdness continues....

I am almost too tired to type, my narcolepsy/hypersomnia reaching its peak, but I must note the almost overwhelming prevelence of people who are strangers who smile and say hello to me. I have absolutely, no question, had enough of it. Yes, perhaps a certain percentage of these fall within the category of people I don't recognize but I refuse to believe that this explains all of it. We're talking like 10 people a day now. Some of these people are just total weirdos and need to be removed from the streets for the safety of people like myself, who are so disturbed by their behavior that they swerve into oncoming traffic to get away. The remainder need to be put on anti-manic medication and hospitalized for the betterment of society.

In case you were wondering...

In Rev. Proc. 2001-41 (IRB 2001-33) the IRS modified Rev. Proc. 2001-2 to clarify that it will not issue technical advice on frivolous issues. For purposes of this program, a "frivolous issue" is one without basis in fact or law, or that espouses a position which has been held by the courts to be frivolous or groundless.

Internet Weirdness

So, in its totality, this is among the weirder things I have ever seen - to make this claim, I require that the comments be included (the subject, to the extent you can say there actually is one, is the Obama family): http://bluecountyredstate.blogspot.com/2008/02/michelle-obama-failed-illinois-bar-exam.html

10 minutes of Torah

Reflections at 60 Part IV

In the days of the messiah…nothing in the current reality will change except that Israel will have political sovereignty…
-Rambam (Maimonides, 1135-1204) Commentary to Mishnah Sanhedrin 10:1

It is true that in the days of the fulfillment of the mitzvot [i.e., when the messiah comes] the Land of Israel will be like the world in the beginning before the sin of the first man. No more will there be animals that kill…
-Ramban (Nachmanides, 1194-1270), Commentary on Leviticus 26:6

Before Zionism, in the middle ages, there was no consensus on just what the restored Israel would look like. The debate between the pro- and anti-Maimonideans reached the level of book-burning. Maimonides claimed that the only difference between the present reality and the messianic age would be the restoration of Jewish political sovereignty: we would be relieved of the yoke of oppression by the nations, and would be free to study Torah and live according to it. This flew in the face of the popular conception of a re-born world, in which lions would really lie down with lambs etc.

Even if we see Maimonides' view as relatively a rational and realistic understanding of redemption in history, still, it brings us to the classical Orthodox belief that anticipates a return to the good old days when David ruled and the Temple stood – a Jewish sovereign state with the Temple sacrificial cult – conducted by the descendants of Aaron – as the official religion. That is the vision of the future/past repeated daily in the traditional liturgy. To this end there are institutions today dedicated to clarifying the exact details of the ritual objects of the Temple , from the measurements of the menorah to the recipe for techelet dye. To this end we keep track of who is a cohen. And of course, once the kingdom is established, it will be governed by Torah law. It is easy to dismiss this version of restored utopia as a romantic dream, a fantasy nurtured by two thousand years of remembering and longing. However, there seem to be many people who believe literally in this vision and not a few who are willing to take action – even violent action – in order to bring it closer to realization. In this view the boundaries of the restored kingdom will reflect not merely the maximum extent of the biblical monarchy, but the prophetic promise of "from the river of Egypt to the Euphrates ."

The restoration of a biblical kingdom relieves us of having to wrestle with the moral dilemmas that beset sovereign states today – from who gets to vote to whose phone can be tapped. David's monarchy existed before minority rights and individual freedoms were concerns of government. Democracy was a long way off. David (or God) invented what later became known as the divine right of kings. Wiping out a tribe or a nation, subjugating them as slaves, converting them by force – these were all considered perfectly legitimate options, methods used by Israel – and others – in ancient times without giving rise to commissions of inquiry or international tribunals or boycotts. Presumably, a restoration of such a kingdom implies a restoration of the ambient world view of the period, relieving us of having to worry about new ideas that have developed since then. Mark Twain's Connecticut Yankee took his 19th century democratic values back with him into the middle ages and tried to implement them there. But it seems that there is a strand in our tradition that aspires to bring biblical society back to life in the post-modern world, implementing ancient values in our own time, overruling, or erasing, the accretions of law and value that have accumulated in the interim.

It is easy to see why this is a tempting prospect, and why it is hard to hold back from trying to live out this approach even in advance of the final redemption. But can we really forget what we have learned from the past two thousand years of experience with God and man?

Sleepy time bear

To explain that last comment, "sleepy time bear" is family-speak for tiredness and time to go to bed. It refers to the Celestial Seasonings tea called "Sleepytime" that is largely chamomile based, but has a very sleepy bear in his nightgown and cap barely awake on the cover. So instead of saying bedtime or sleepy or various other things, we would say, sleepy time bear. I still say it, because I'm really still a kid. I believe my siblings have moved on, but they still understand me when I say it.

Did I inadvertently move to Akron Ohio?

I was just walking home from sushi with a friend when a girl I've never seen before in my life, while talking on the phone, smiled at me and mouthed a very friendly "hi." Admittedly, best guess is that I actually know this person as I frequently do not recognize people I even know very well. However, it made me think that strangers were being unduly friendly and I had been transported someplace else, someplace less urban, less to my liking. Sleepy time bear.

Paper bags as garbage bags

p.s. I decided on this that since the two places I shop for groceries only offer paper bags, I have no choice but to throw away my garbage in paper bags. I know this doesn't really work, mainly because you don't really close the bag so you're essentially just throwing waste down the garbage chute, however, I know of people who have done far more outrageous things with their garbage that if I detailed here would cause them to come after me and beat me down so I'll leave it at that.

Passwords

I understand the concept behind passwords, really, I do. And it all seems good and well until you actually have to live in the world of passwords. I complained earlier when my company suddenly called me and said, um, you were supposed to put a password on your blackberry months ago and today is the ultimate deadline so either put a password on or it will stop working, so I have to struggle to push those tiny buttons (a particular problem right now b.c. my nails have grown extraordinarily long, a separate issue). In any case, just now, in the middle of the day (not really the middle of the day but I've been at work for a couple of hours because I got here early so it feels like the middle of the day) my computer stopped working, telling me my password had expired. Now, fair enough, my password had expired. I knew it expired today. I was surprised when it didn't tell me that when I logged in, but I figured I had miscalculated and "one day" meant I had one more day after this one. Point being, I didn't get any prompting to change my password so I just continued on. Had I been prompted it would have been an easy process, switch to the new password (I have a system so this is a straightforward process), move on. See, a big part of my annoyance is that I leave all my various programs running so this password reset forced me to shut down about 7 explorer windows and 6 word windows and many other programs that just run as singles. And I wouldn't have had to do that if it had just prompted me when I got in this morning.
Not to mention that the idea of someone getting past the presidential-style security downstairs and making it onto the floor which requires keycard entry and ending up at my computer and somehow knowing my password seems rather ludicrous. But I don't dispute the need for passwords. I say, fair enough, to that. But I would just appreciate it if the prompting for new passwords happened at log-in and not in the middle of the day. This strikes me as an eminently reasonable request.

Gmail google ads

Scare the hell out of me. Somehow they manage to address things I am TALKING about, that have never hit a computer. I am very disturbed by this.

More comments from friends

"you remind me of the crazy girl in the breakfast club"

Headaches

So I find it fascinating enough that some people evidently get headaches from eating cold things. I forget what these are called, but I just even have trouble believing this is true, or understanding how you could allow it to happen to you more than once, given the dramatic reaction people have when it happens to them.
Ditto for my new headache finding, the "sugar headache." Evidently, some people get headaches as the result of excessive sugar intake. I discovered this in a posting in a nytimes article about obesity that went like this "Our preoccupation with weight and diet obscures the opportunity to feel great and comfortable in our bodies. Somehow the guilt of a pancake breakfast overrides the discomfort of the sugar headache that we endure all morning. " Like people are constantly having sugar headaches? I mean, I've never heard of this in my entire life.
Here's another one - headaches when the weather is icky. Now that one, I believe and it's not anyone's fault, but it does qualify as weirdness.

Wes Anderson

I think this is likely far too revealing about myself, but I think I'm in love with Wes Anderson. The reason I think it's really love and not just a liking or an infatuation is that my feelings are very complex, run the gamut, and yet at the end of the day, in his world I feel like I am in my world, for the only time ever and I feel like he cares about and understands me. Take, for example, the royal tenenbaums, which I believe to be my favourite movie ever in the history of the world. There's something remarkable about how the personalities of the children and the parents and the servant blend together into this perfect symphony of human reality. All those people are my people, they are all just like me, in different ways. It's like he took me and broke me into my component parts and then exaggerated them into full entities.
For Rushmore, I have the same love. Rushmore, again, is basically, a different version of me. I could have been him had circumstances been different. I was similarly involved in a panoply of activities in school and was constantly trying to start random things and causing disruptions but I never had real academic problems because my parents should have heeded the advice of the studies when I was 6 and they told me to skip 5 grades and then I wouldn't have been such a troublesome student (because I never did ANY work and was bored out of my mind) and I would have added 5 years to my life, but that's another complaint for another time.
The Life Aquatic is the one that causes me slight pain. I feel that it attempted to live off the success of the royal tenenbaums. There were clearly some good parts to it, but so much of it had to do with competition that doesn't really speak to me. I mean, competition in general doesn't speak to me. That's sort of untrue, but it's true at the same time so for now, we'll leave it at that.
However, I loved the colouring and I understood what he was going for and I agreed with the idea behind what happened. So I'm good with it.
Most recently, the Hotel Chevalier was just an ode. I really can't go any further into it.
The Darjeeling Limited I originally was highly disappointed with. Part of it is that every time I see I new Wes Anderson movie I assume it will be my new favourite movie. So expectations were high. Part of it was that I went to India a year ago and had a mixed experience (including 3 major illnesses) and so I wasn't so into seeing India again plus I knew what it was really like to travel in India, which differed a decent amount from Wes Anderson's version. However, a few days ago, I realized that I wanted to watch it again. (I of course bought it, assuming it would be my new favourite movie) And I realized that it, like Anderson's other movies, was brilliant. He just has this unbelievable gift for delving into the issues and problems that plague the truly neurotic and bizarre among us. And then, turning them into people. And making those people do terribly silly things while pretending to be adults. Or I suppose, doing their best to act the way adults do, without any of the skills of adults. Like moving into a hotel in Paris as you run away from an ex or leaving your wife six weeks away from her giving birth or taking a random mixture of medications you manage to get from the Indian drug store.
Anyways, it's nice to have an unrequited love. Not that I mind the requited ones, but it's nice to mix things up :)

Food Shopping

Always rather entertaining putting the food away because inevitably, I discover that I already have several of whatever I've purchased. I'm up to 5 containers of pesto now.

Fat

So a particular pet peeve of mine is the way women harass each other by saying "Oh! You're so skinny!" Inevitably, the person in question is not particularly skinny but the motivation is often not clear. Sometimes, women say this because they're jealous because the woman in question has lost weight. Other times, in contrast, this is said to draw attention to the woman's weight and the fact that she is NOT particularly skinny, usually done to draw contrast to the speaker, who is thinner. On other occasions, and most commonly, this essentially has nothing whatsoever to do with the woman's weight and a way of one woman insulting another. It usually follows up with subtle or not so subtle accusations of anorexia and feigned concerns for the woman's health. For the boys out there, one woman accusing another of anorexia is one of nastiest attacks that can be made, due to all the negative associations with self-esteem and the illness in general.

Also on the subject of fatness, for some reason I find it really kind of gross when people are super tan, like they clearly go tanning at least once a week, and they wear really tight clothes that cause their bare skin to create rolls of fat. It's especially weird because usually these people aren't particularly fat, they've just made bad clothing choices.

Finally, another annoyance is when things are marked "small" and you notice that the clothing doesn't fit on a normal hanger and has to be wrapped around to stay on. Like, clearly it's not a small. But then you don't know if any of the things are properly sized so then you have to check everything by digging in for the tag and you tire so greatly...

Garbage

So now that Whole Foods no longer offers plastic bags, are we allowed to throw our garbage out in paper bags?

Discourse

One of the reasons I anticipate this being an odd evening is that I haven't been able to walk in a straight line for the past couple of days. Not sure what that's about, I try to keep people noticing it to a minimum, obviously, but when you're just crashing into walls and slipping all over the place, it's hard to be subtle. It started, oddly enough, the morning of my sleep study. I had a sleep latency study where they test how you sleep in like hour long intervals. (absolute torture in my opinion, as that is far too little sleep) This was a follow-up to the standard sleep study where you sleep overnight and they see how you do. I sleep SUPER normal. It's actually quite abnormal, how healthy my sleep habits are. And yet, I need like 20 hours of sleep a day and pretty much have forever. So the new test will perhaps shed light onto medication that will keep me awake. Alternatively, I may have to take regular naps during the day. I would prefer the former, as I am familiar with the latter and it is a bit of a bitch to sleep/work/sleep/work etc.

Night of nonsense

Tonight this blog is going to be a mess of nonsense. First off, I love erratic cab drivers. Almost more than any other part of any city, anywhere, in the world (with the exception of Moscow but that's because I spent a previous life there and so there is a special bond). I feel so at one with the world when the cab is jumping from lane to lane, suddenly jerking to a stop, screaming and pounding on the horn, and then zooming off again. It's like aromatherapy to me.

Inspirational (sort of) Friday

ASHER YATSAR, Mishkan T'filah

Rachel Naomi Remen tells a beautiful story of learning about blessings from her grandfather. He tells her the story of Jacob’s struggle at Peniel, when he wrestles with a messenger. Remen’s grandfather describes the encounter between Jacob and the angel, telling her that Jacob’s leg was hurt in the struggle, and that before the angel left, he touched Jaocb on the place where it hurt. Remen recalls that as a child, “This was something I could understand, often my mother did this, too. ‘To help it getter better, Grandpa?’ I asked. But my grandfather shook his head. ‘I do not think so, Neshume-le. He touched it to remind Jacob of it. Jacob carried it all the rest of his life. It was his place of remembering.’” He leaves her with the idea that confusing an angel with an enemy isn’t the most important part of the story. Instead, the most important message is that everything has its blessing.
Remen reflects on this later in life, as she struggles with disease and pain, and finds meaning in it that struck me as I read the settings of Asher Yatzar. In response to the Jacob story she concludes, “It is a puzzling story, a story about the nature of blessings and the nature of enemies. How tempting to let the enemy go and flee. To put the struggle behind you as quickly as possible and get on with your life. Life might be easier then but far less genuine. Perhaps the wisdom lies in engaging the life you have been given as fully and courageously as possible and not letting go until you find the unknown blessing that is in everything.”
I have been fortunate to have been healthy and significantly pain free for most of my life. Yet I encounter theologians, mystics, physicians, congregants and friends who have struggled with illness, or with bodies that fail when the mind is strong, and have found such deep courage, strength, and meaningful connections to the Divine through this process. And I often find myself questioning my ability to have a similar deep relationship with God without having gone through such a struggle. I am particularly struck when I read the line, “were one of them to fail – how well we are aware!” we would lack the strength to stand before you.” As clergy, I am aware of this empirically, but not with first hand knowledge. Yet, why then, do I find myself reciting this daily blessing of real appreciation and gratitude – not only for my own continued health, but for the miracle that is the human body?
Some days – the second selection calls to me. I fear those moments of weakness; I know that failures of systems or health are inevitable in all our lives. So I find myself deeply responding to this idea, that though “I have asked for so much”, please God, don’t let me feel the pain and the defeat.
Years ago, I wrote a paper on the theologies of illness and healing for a class with Dr. Eugene Borowitz. Writing the paper reminded me of an old Judging Amy episode, in which Amy’s close friend is in remission from cancer, and tells Amy that she has found God. Amy is incredulous, seeing as her friend was the most “intelligent and rational” person she knows. Amy asks her friend, laughingly, “You don’t really think God cured you, do you?” The friend responded, “No. The medicine and hospital care cured me. But God was there.”
I’m challenged by this idea because the idea of “finding God” in a moment of distress sounds the alarm of “religion” and “fundamentalism”. However, when Amy says to another co-worker, “Can you believe it – my friend found God?” He replied, “I didn’t know He was lost.” I remember being caught off-guard by this. Maybe it’s less about finding God, as being able to take a look at your life in such a way that you notice that God was there all along. Like Jacob, as I have struggled with my faith, though I’ve doubted my ability to “find faith” if I am not ill, my search has led me to recognize the faith that might have been there, bamakom hazeh, in this place, all along.
Rosalie Boxt is the cantor of Temple Emanuel of Kensington, MD.
For more information about Mishkan T'filah, visit urj.org/mishkan.