Scams

So I just came across this blog posting and did my usual scan of the text followed by a detailed reading of the comments and am fascinated. The absolutely hysterical point, made in the comments, is that this is supposed to be a blog about security. Like serious security. And the blog posting is about what can only be described as a beavis and butthead plan to get free food from a McDonalds. I qualify it as beavis and butthead esque because the pleasure that would be associated with such a scam is really that you are pulling it off, not that you are getting a free bag of grease that will damage every possible part and physical function of your body. What I really enjoyed about this is that it appears that there actually is a contingent of people like me out there. There is a very extensive discussion of ways to vary the scam, places the scam might be effective, where the scam would be most effective, what unknowns have to be taken into account, a discounting of the workers followed by a warning against that usw. It was like being stuck inside my head when presented with, well, pretty much anything.

The amusement goes on, though, when you follow the old link for a video showing the scam. The posting is old, so the link takes you to a general page where a french fellow does ridiculous things. A favorite is "L'escargot," a short 30 second video that shows cars slowing to a halt on a one-lane road and slowly scanning up to where the character is dressed in a snail costume (I doubt we even have such a thing in america but this would be totally reasonable as a costume in france) and he is moving very very slowly along the road, like a snail. Eventually the cars start going around him and the screen goes to black and says something that I just tried to translate into english for about 15 seconds but don't feel I can do it justice - the idea is that by engaging in total randomness/nonsense, you rise to the level of being "no one," which is the title of the site and actually means the opposite of what it says (you probably have a sense of why this was too complicated to translate - it also involves a pun).

But back to the point - I for one never tried to get free food from a fast food restaurant by telling the machine I had forgotten my money and would have to come back, to then proceed to the window and pick up the next person's food. In my opinion, it's okay as far as scams go. There's a lot of potential for being caught, particularly with security cameras and such nowadays and people seem to go nuts when people without much money or who are associated with things that people without money do, resulting in a greater likelihood of actually being punished (yes I am bringing up the ugly fact that people who are considered "undesirables" in our country end up in the legal system at a ridiculously higher rate than well-off people who engage in the same behavior). So it really isn't worth it.

Actual scams, ones that are funny, scam people, and are most likely illegal, I will not be posting here as I know that someone would do it, it would somehow get back to me and I would end up in jail b.c. some idiot didn't know how not to get caught (this is like a repeating dream in my life, except that it's actually how my life works - idiots ruin things and authority tries to crush my beautiful creativity). Sigh. But someday I will win this fight. (insert war cry here)

Zimbabwe

Okay, so this is a situation that, as with most situations in Africa, has been ignored/overlooked. At least it hasn't received the attention it should. Zimbabwe's currency has been spiraling out of control for a while, news agencies are largely unable to report and yet we know that diseases controlled by modern medicine are out of control, like cholera (wouldn't normally put up an al jazeera article, but you take what you can get) and HIV/AIDS-related deaths all of which obviously began with Mugabe's ill-fated decision to throw the white colonial-left-over farmers off their land and out of the country. Obviously, one can follow his logic and motives. Here are the remnants of the oppressors, who effectively still control the land and thus the economics of the country so it makes sense to want to get that land back. It's been done in other places. Here was the rub with Zimbabwe.

Let's go back a couple months and look at the bizarre take of an IHT article. (disclaimer: I am a huge fan the IHT but, very rarely, it belies the troubling European ethos that states that all Europeans must feel guilt for the sins of their ancestors and anything that even looks like that - of course, OF COURSE, ignoring anything that happened to the jewish people, but hey, that's europe) Clearly, that level of inflation has nothing to do with aid from foreign countries. The use of foreign currency in lieu of using the country's own currency has been relatively common throughout the world and is no cause for concern, and really, quite prudent given a level of inflation that is literally, impossible for Westerners to comprehend.

But back to my point, the current country of Zimbabwe has a recent past. And the past of the land before it is quite tumultuous. As a result, whites managed to hold onto more land here than in other countries that had been emancipated from British rule. And that was basically Zimbabwe's story: Agriculture. So here's the scenario - you take the people who are driving the economy, throw them out of the country unceremoniously, redistribute their land in a way that is questionable even to the people it is meant to help, fail to engage in a comprehensive program to teach the new owners of the land about how to produce agriculture (and perhaps give the land to people who have no particular interest in or need for engaging in this activity), agriculture production and thus exports drop dramatically. And the economy plunges into disaster. See wikipedia for a broader overview.

Here's what sums it up, from above cite: "Life expectancy at birth for males in Zimbabwe has dramatically declined since 1990 from 60 to 37, among the lowest in the world. Life expectancy for females is even lower at 34 years."

My point is that we can't really ignore this stuff as it ultimately becomes a problem for the whole world but at the same time, nobody can really blame the West for this. This was Mugabe and the failure of an organized group of rational people to take over the government. Every country has to take over its government at some point to set it straight.

What fascinates me most about this is that circa 1998 I planned to engage in a semester-long homestay in what appeared to be a hut in Zimbabwe. I snapped myself out of that plan, but I wish I'd done it, even though my department wasn't really going to let me do and I don't know what would have happened on that end, but it would be nice to know someone on the inside and ask where the rebels are and why they don't have enough power. This again is another situation that may beg for international intervention, but not in the lame UN/European form. Perhaps we need to help Zimbabwe by sending in/aiding rebels. I KNOW this hasn't worked in the past, but it also has worked. I think it's the only bone we can really throw this difficult situation.

Latest scam e-mail and response

Apart from being bored and annoyed by these e-mails, I find them a bit of an affront to mankind in their idiocy and the fact that people (based on my internet research) actually respond to them and end up giving over their account numbers, and then end up in massive debt. I just feel that if people are going to be caught up in scams, they shouldn't be so obviously ridiculous. It reflects poorly on us. Below is my e-mailed response to the fellow who sent me my most recent scam e-mail, with the e-mail below that. I mean, if you're going to engage in the business of international fraud, your sell should at least be credible.
_______________________________________________________________
Rather an interesting scam e-mail. A few flaws.

Microsoft's European headquarters is in Paris, not Liverpool. If you seriously think anyone in the UK would believe that Microsoft's European headquarters is in Liverpool, you're a fool.

The name of the "from" address is actually a rather respected figure in Brazil. It's unlikely he would be coordinating random lottery winnings, and all the more unlikely that he had suddenly moved to Liverpool to take on Microsoft's non-existent headquarters. Microsoft doesn't even have an office in Liverpool.

The e-mail address in the "from" section has absolutely no correspondence to the name of the individual sending the e-mail. This is unusual and actually, again, absurd. Moreover, it is from a Mechanical Engineering company in Rio, which takes about 3 seconds to find out. Again, begging the question of why someone at this company would be sending you to someone in Liverpool.

Point being, an e-mail with a Brazilian ending, supposedly sent from the Microsoft headquarters in Liverpool (which obviously should then be a Microsoft e-mail with a UK ending) that is then supposed to be sent back to an e-mail address in Hong Kong is a dead give-away for a scam. You may as well have set up a Nigerian e-mail address.

Another question is why Microsoft and AOL would be engaged in some bizarre joint venture, not to mention the fact that AOL doesn't exist (and hasn't for while existed) as an independent company. Time Warner is the name of the company and would have to authorize any such bizarreness and would be the name you would use.

Am fascinated to know what a "commemorative draw" is and why I should care. Looks like someone (who by the way, is unfamiliar with basic English grammar and sentence structure, again, a dead give away) has been watching too much late night tv and thinks people will confuse the all valuable "commemorative coins" with a "commemorative draw" and just send all their personal and financial information away to strangers half-way across the world.

And finally, why exactly would the mailing address for this bizarre agent be in Norfolk while he has a Hong Kong e-mail address? I mean, it's really easy to set up a UK e-mail address, if you seriously think you're going to get people to give you their account numbers when your only e-mail address is a yahoo address.

Oh, and BTW, what does an "e-mail beta test" have to do with this random lottery you've concocted? Might want to have someone review your scams going forward.

Hope you get tracked down and jailed.

--- On Tue, 30/12/08, Helcio Rangel Orlande wrote:

From: Helcio Rangel Orlande
Subject: SERIAL NUMBER MIC-AOL/8302/08...
To:
Date: Tuesday, 30 December, 2008, 8:03 AM

Dear Sir/ Madam,

The prestigious Microsoft and AOL has set out and successfully organized a
Sweepstakes marking the year 2008 anniversary we rolled out over US$
400,419,864 for our end of year/ Christmas Anniversary Draws. Participants
for the draws were randomly selected and drawn from a wide range of web
hosts which we enjoy their patronage.The selection was made through a
computer draw system attaching personalized email addresses to ticket
numbers. If you ignore this massage, you will defiantly regret it later.
Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet companies & in effort to
make
sure that Internet Explorer remain the most widely used program, Microsoft
and AOL are running an e-mail beta test.

Your email address as indicated was drawn and attached to reference and
ticket number 008795727498  with serial numbers MIC-AOL/8302/08 and drew the
lucky numbers  14-18-25-39-53-47 (10) which subsequently won you £ 1,000,000
( One Million  Great Britain Pounds)  as one of the  jackpot winners in this
draw. You have therefore won the entire winning sum of £ 1,000,000 (One
Million Great Britain Pounds) the draws registered as Draw number one was
conducted in Liverpool, UK. 29th December, 2008. These draws are
commemorative and as such special.               

Please be informed by this winning notification to file your claims
immediately. You are advised to make contact to your referred agent who will
by duty guide you through the process to facilitate the release of your
winning prize. To file for this claims, Please Contact your referred agent
with your verification information as required on the form below, beginning
the claims of your winnings funds as conducted by the lottery company.

We dedicate our special thanks & gratitude to Bill Gates {Now Retired from
Microsoft Corporations} .We wish you the best of luck as you spend your good
fortune in this season.

Note: You have Three (3) weeks from the date of this publication to claim
your prize or you may forfeit your winnings. Thank you for being part of our
commemorative end of year/ Christmas Anniversary Draws.

Find below your referred agent and the verification form:

Address: 18 South Drive, Hepwo rth,Diss,Norfolk, IP22 2HF, UK
Contact Agent: Mr. David Oliver
Email: mic_aol.oliverdesk@yahoo.com.hk

Name: ..................................
Country of Origin.......................
Place of Residence......................
Occupation..............................
Sex/Age.................................
Telephone/Fax...........................
Winning Email ID........................

NOTE: DUE TO FRAUDSTERS, WE HAVE DECIDED TO EFFECT TRANSFER TO YOUR BANK
ACCOUNT ONLY AND WHEN CONTACTING YOUR REFERRED AGENT, DO QUOTE YOUR TICKET
NUMBER AND SERIAL NUMBER FOR SECURITY REASONS.

Helcio Rangel Orlande
Public Relations Officer
Microsoft Corporation
Liverpool, United Kingdom,
Europe Headquaters.

Doctors

I'm in the initial stages on this, but I am thinking something dramatic has to be done about the power of doctors to control the care that patients receive. See, I wouldn't feel so strongly about it, but for the fact that medicine, while it pretends to be cutting edge, is in many ways in its infancy. So it begs the question, if doctors don't really know what they're doing, why should what they say/decide trump what the patient knows? I'm reminded of a story I told this afternoon about a former otolaryngologist who told me my ears, medically-speaking, were not stuffed up when in fact, they had felt severely stuffed-up (to the point of pain) for weeks and I needed to take a flight so I finally went in to see whether I could go. He didn't propose an alternate theory, an explanation, suggestions for care etc. Clearly, something was wrong. But because he couldn't identify it, he sent me on my way, essentially telling me I was mistaken about the very real medical problem I was having. I have an infinite number of these stories, as I imagine many people do. I believe it's a combination of pride, lack of knowledge about other specialities where symptoms may mimic issues mistaken for that specialty, denial about lack of information in the medical sciences, and a fear that should patients know how little doctors know, chaos would reign.

Joke? + "kipling only goes so far in federal court"

So I'm unclear as to whether this is a joke or some sort of tourist promotion. Having spent some time in Tunisia, I can't imagine what in the world this woman is talking about in suggesting that a single mother move there with her child. I am also curious as to why there are basically no other relevant suggestions. But I have made my complaint about yahoo answers in an earlier post so I'll let that go for now.

Anderson Cooper is sometimes extremely witty and dry. I appreciate that in a news anchor. That is my explanation of the title quote.

I also was highly amused that a friend called me out on the terms and conditions violation of gmail talk this week due to foreign language profanity. Again, witty and dry in its complex statement about america. Oh, on so many levels.

"and the bleeps are not really bleeps"

Ah Fitzgerald - you amuse me to no end, despite the oddness of your voice.

How could I possibly confuse Chistoper Buckley and Martin Scorsese?

Answer: I have picked up a bug again. I don't know what is up with my immune system but it is really being a brat this year. I even got the flu shot a couple weeks ago at some airport kiosk. Particularly at the critical election time. I'm rather excited, suddenly (as I previously didn't care at all b.c. it just means my taxes are going to go up, my services will go down, and we will do something idiotic in the Middle East that cannot be undone - please, Barack, I beg you, leave Iran alone. They are mostly good people and a concerted and slightly more subversive CIA effort can solve all our problems - and will cause WWIII and as a result of all these, I will likely have to leave the country and I kind of don't feel like it given recent personal circumstances) due to my forced involvement in the political process, which most of you know about. Well, like the umpteenth forced involvement, but the biggie. I'm not upset, I actually am having a fabulous time. I didn't even mind stuffing envelopes, which last election I was like, I've been forced to do this since I was eight, I refuse. Find people more enthusiastic about democracy. For those of you who don't know about political campaigns, they basically run on a few over-zealous young young people who are stressed to their limits and have to take significant vacations when the election is over along with an army of housewives and retirees who do the bulk of the dirty (albeit simple) work (and any child labor they can round up :)). The key is to keep the latter group entertained so it is good to chat and encourage chatting amongst the volunteers. If the main people can stand it, some background music or a television with news helps quite a bit. Although it might appear to slow down the process, it engenders a more positive mood, keeping the volunteers there longer and causing them to come back more frequently and bring friends and as a result, there is more work done and greater efficiency, as seemingly ironic as that is. Sadly, a lot of the stressed-out young-ins, as much as they think they're tuned into the subleties of people's preferences, aren't as maniacally good at manipulating/reading people as myself and so these end up being missed opportunities for them and they have to stuff envelopes themselves to finish off that last batch that lovely Mrs. Smith, who has been sitting in her house two blocks away watching Jeopardy most of the afternoon, would have been happy to do if she were offered a pleasant environment.

Moveon Obama Pin

Okay, so I have slammed Moveon repeatedly due to their overly aggressive ads and rather insane emails which are supposed to make me believe that a 10-year old's future depends on whether people vote Obama or McCain. I find that to be a naive belief in the good that government will do versus the reality of what every government does, which is basically the same thing, sometimes with a twist of lemon. Like Johnson signed the Civil Rights bill. That was clearly a twist of lemon, although he was essentially forced to politically after Kennedy's assassination, so it's a twist, but out of political necessity, so really it was politics as usual. Admittedly, there is really crazy stuff that goes on, like Bush subversively funding religious organizations and the abstinence only stuff and even allowing schools to not teach evolution (kids, if someone didn't teach you about evolution I'm willing to bet that your lifetime earnings potential has been significantly reduced and you will likely spend hours confused trying to understand what's going on on tv as evolution is the scientific and social underpinning of our society. whether you believe in it or not is a whole different matter, but to not teach it at all? sounds an awful lot like going to a partisan school that leaves you unprepared for the real world....). So I will admit that Bush has done/allowed a lot of crazy right-wing stuff to go down - f/x we basically have a court ready to overturn roe v. wade, at which point I'm seriously leaving the country because I refuse to return to the dark ages. I mean what's next? Am I going to be relegated to housework and popping out 15 children? Not that any woman who does that would read this, but you should really wake up. This is it. This is your life and every minute that ticks by is one more that you are losing to the patriarchy and its preferences and values. You must have dreams, passions, even passing thoughts, about incredible things you could do for yourself or others - they're never going to happen unless you walk away from all this and go and do them. The world deserves to have you take these actions, become that complete person who has children but also is helping the world to be a better place. Don't forget about that second part.
You may notice that my tangent deviates significantly from the subject line. Point being, I finally got my moveon.org Obama pin in the mail. I figured why not, even though, as I was alluding to before, I find their tactics at best annoying (but of course, I'm not the target group, although I should be as I am an undecided voter, although the indecision has more to do with which family member I plan to write in) BUT (focus) the pin is AWESOME. This is the coolest Obama pin I have seen yet. It is totally old school and hearkens back to Kennedy. Props to moveon for this. They gave out 2.2 million so they're out (checked because once I saw it, I wanted all my friends to have it) and I'm a poll watcher on election day so I can't wear it, but it's awesome. Funny how all the political brats, even at this age, have the buttons from their parents' campaigns lying around their apartments, however small (the apartment). Yes, that was totally unrelated, but not and again, if you can't keep up with the flow of my logic, you need to do some of those brain exercises, maybe more crossword puzzles (although I can't stand those, but my younger sister greatly enjoyed them through college, law school and I believe barbri).
Hmmm, maybe I should move to LA and become an actress? That's way beyond even a pipe dream since my parents smashed my dreams of becoming an actress when they refused to allow me to attend the top arts academy high school in the country to pursue my acting career and instead sent me to the ivy league to map out my genes (that was actually really cool, albeit not productive in terms of becoming an actress). Of course, when I start going too far with these plans I have to stop myself and say, wait, are you really just thinking this is a good idea because you're manic, and I ponder that for a while. There are many signs that that is the cause, usually a disconnect between the proposed action and my staid lifetime goals (which have been on a sheet of paper for years now and have not changed, except for the specification of winning a great prize specified to winning the nobel). And for the haters out there, yes I am serious about the nobel. Haters including my brother. I mean, you win too. You'll get to say your sister won the nobel prize. Think it through. Maybe you had too many oysters.

That election thing...

As my public service message of the year, here is an organization, non-partisan, that is dedicated to making sure that voters are not disenfranchised, basically focusing on mistakes made at the polling places. And of course, anything that's not a mistake and is intimidation or other nutty stuff (heard a great one today where evidently they were telling people that if they voted and had an outstanding parking ticket they would be arrested - brilliant scam, totally untrue). You can go to the website and sign up to volunteer in all sorts of capacities. Come on, do something for our democracy.

From Sarah Silverman...

"Sarah, I was in serious medical danger and you didn't even care."
"Steve, I cared. I texted you."

OMG is she funny. Esp. b.c. that was sufficient.

Lawsuit Against God

Wow. So a number of people have commented to me lately about the relatively low bar set for politicians. However, just straight out insanity is a whole different game. Who is voting for this character? How did he become a senator? And why is our legal system so goofy that the way this got kicked out of court was on the basis of the failure to serve papers on God?

Goal Orientation

So my new thing that randomly popped into my head (such things I trust quite a bit more than those that come about after significant thought and reflection) is that I need to engage exclusively in goal-oriented behavior. The problem isn't so much with me as I'm relatively goal oriented but with the world, which is overwhelmingly, in all ways shapes and forms, not goal oriented. Except to the extent that the "goal" is dealing with one's self and being self-involved. Which just doesn't count as far as I'm concerned. Being an idiot doesn't qualify one as goal oriented. Although to be fair, often people are in a technical sense being goal oriented but their goals are so inane and useless to society that they fall squarely in the category of idiots, just to be clear. Often people are confused and think that when I refer to idiots I'm only referring to people with IQs of 85 and below while I am actually referring to the mass of humanity. But point being that I need to rid myself of all these people and their nonsense and their distractions and focus on what I want to do and instead of spending all my time dealing with things they should have professionals address I can actually work on my business projects. And sleep.

p.s. the illustration addresses the bell curve for intelligence as measured by IQ, obviously not an accurate measure, but at the extremes, it makes its point. and mine.

Propriety Pt 2

So what do we think of the following situation:

1) One of your closest friends asks you for advice about investing in a 401(k) given that you have a strong financial background.
2) You respond, think about it, you won't live past 60, so there's no tax benefit so no. (you're totally serious and both parties are aware of this)

Assuming this is basically factually correct on all accounts, are you supposed to tell people that they've got about 20 years less to live than the average bloke? Or should you do it more subtly? It's rather complex and depends on the situation.

Social Propriety and Crossing the Line in the Name of Humor

So as per usual, I have Arrested Development on in the background (am in a recovery state- I really hope that the stuff that bees use to sterilize their hives is a super powerful antioxidant - magically, my supply of "Super Antioxidant," I would argue the Vitamin Shoppe's finest product, is gone from my vitamin supply) but anyways, the point is it's the episode where Michael sleeps with the blind girl as an attempt at his first one night stand and then can't walk away because he feels that it's a non-option given that she's blind. So a few questions. One - special treatment with regards to sexual interaction for those with disabilities? Really? Or should they be treated equally? Or is that somehow equal because you're balancing out for the problems related to the disability? I mean, I think you could go either way, but I just find it odd that the intuitive response is not more balanced. Two, I love this show, but this really pushes credibility to the limit that he didn't catch on to the fact that she was blind until the following morning when she spilled coffee on the floor. Of course, she's not really blind, so it's possible that his intuition told him that she wasn't so he ignored what she was setting up as signs of blindness or equal alternative, that she failed to put forth those signs. Third, and this is just a complaint, but there's a line where she makes a reference to pirates roaming the high seas in response to the fact that he's a maritime lawyer. I think it is impossible that she would have said that were it not for the set-up for the whole maritime joke of Michael playing the lawyer for Captain Hook in his like middle school play. And that one, I won't let them get away with as an intradiagetic reference. No way.

Half-birthday

FYI, I celebrate my half and not my real birthday because the Gods have decided to consistently make my real birthday a disaster. So anyone reading this who actually knows me is invited. Contact me for further details - it will be next month in ny.

Doctors

This is pretty weird, because I've seen more doctors in my short life than most people see in their entire lifetimes, including that nasty bit at the end when you're in the hospital for weeks or months and everyone is just kind of waiting for the inevitable - but I didn't get until literally today that it REALLY matters what doctor you see. Obviously not true if you have an ear infection or strep throat or other things that I mean, I could diagnose and the closest I've come to formal training is a college course in molecular biology. But when you start getting into the stuff that really matters, that actually impacts (please, no notes about the use of "impact" - I use words as I wish regardless of what other people believe to be the correct usage) your day-to-day life and makes or breaks or reasons for living, the doctor you end up with is critical to whether you will succeed or fail in your quest for health. Take one (of many) current examples. A friend, experiencing narcoleptic-type symptoms and having taken the requisite sleep studies finally sees a neurology sleep specialist at a top university hospital. He prescribes a medication that does not work, and doesn't work with an extremely large proportion of patients (I would guess about 70% based on the research I've done). She had previously taken a relatively strong medication developed by the military to keep fighter pilots awake for 24 hours that wore off after initially working, so this was a stupid choice on the doctor's part - clearly she needed a strong medication. On the next visit, he not only refused to try a different medication (there are several that could address the issue) he continued on to diagnose her with fibromyalgia, a quite serious disease - however, she has none of the symptoms other than hypersomnia, which is completely insufficient for a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, a disease that often prevents people from climbing stairs and leaves them in incredible pain. She fights back and forth, trying to explain that she doesn't have this disease and that she desperately needs medication as she is unable to function at work. The doctor - couldn't care less.
So she explains all this to me and it strikes me as yet another case of obnoxious, self-contained, heartless doctors doing whatever they can to get hundreds of dollars from insurance companies while providing nothing for their patients. So far, we haven't found a solution but have determined that this doctor is a more junior doctor and I am anticipating that the scheduled visit with the more senior doctor I brokered will be more fruitful, in that at least she should be reasonable about the situation.
It occurred to me as well as I had an appointment with a doctor this morning and I called him yesterday, having misplaced the appointment card, to ask when the appointment was for. He said 10. I wrote down 10. I put it on both my calendars. I am there circa 9:47. He comes in, says, you're here early, I say yes, because I'm thinking, well yes technically 9:47 is not 10:00 so fair enough if we want to split hairs. But then the other bloke in the waiting room goes back with him. And I'm like, seriously? I called YESTERDAY. Afternoon. I couldn't have been more clear. He couldn't have been more clear. And I thought again, wow, I really should get a better doctor. Because if he can't even tell me my appointment time, how well is his brain really functioning? And how well is he understanding my symptoms and able to address them? My guess is not that well. Like now I'm all freaked out that he has early alzheimers and I'm in this disasterous situation where I am getting prescriptions and tests from someone with diminished capabilities.
This could go on forever but I need to address a headache.

Gatorade - Elixir of the Gods?

So over the years, my mother, my doctors, nurses providing emergency care after I passed out from dehydration at baseball games (yes, multiple), all have pushed Gatorade on me like it was a vitamin. And for some reason, I hated it, I suppose because it makes me slightly nauseous. However, recently a friend was visiting and woke up with a ridiculous hangover after something like 7 hours of beer pong, and requested a bottle of Gatorade, which he drank and promptly felt better. A couple weeks later I became violently ill with a pernicious flu that lasted 2-3 weeks, the first couple weeks of which the only "food" I could digest was Gatorade. And I realized that it was actually kind of making me feel better. And this made me curious, both about Gatorade in general and specifically, why it seemed to rebalance me.
As it turns out, Gatorade has a fascinating history for a quotidian beverage. It starts with the University of Florida footballers who couldn't handle the physical demands of football given the weather/environment of Florida. The coach went to the University's science department for a solution and the mixture of substances that was to be Gatorade was born - indeed the name "Gatorade" is derived from the football team's name, the Gators. (this slightly bizarre article on the state department website seemingly selling Gatorade to the nation of Guyana provides further information) (NB further that Gatorade is not certified kosher)
Anyways, the answer is either that I am carb or electrolyte deficient and that is why I feel so much better (albeit nauseous - I just don't take sugar that well). Considering that I don't eat gluten, the carb answer is more likely.
As always, leave it to yahoo answers to come up with a completely false and stupid answer. Obviously off-topic, but I am fascinated by yahoo answers for its ability to consistently incorrectly answer questions, have them permanently posted, and somehow yahoo is okay with attaching its name to this. I mean, if I were running a major company based on the utility of the internet and I had a product designed to allow users to provide other users with answers to their questions, I would have a monitor that checked this stuff over. It's only logical. But yahoo has been disappointing me since they started doing those absurd commercials going "Yahoooooo-oooo." I mean, it's just painful to watch and makes you feel like if you've ever used a yahoo account you're an idiot.

Television

So I've run into a problem here. I need television in the background to work effectively (or some other combination of visual and aural stimulation but the easiest way to do this is via television) and the thing is, that while I don't actually watch it or consciously listen to it, I both watch and listen to it unconsciously. And I only like about 10 programs on television. And stations repeat these programs. And as a result, I become distracted because I know what the words and images are going to be and so instead of focusing on my work, I'm focusing on recreating the show before/as it happens in my head.
Example being the South Park episode that is on Comedy Central right now. This one, unfortunately, I know extremely well because I downloaded it from itunes and thus have seen it at least 30 times because pretty much every South Park episode is insanely funny and actually becomes funnier the more you see it.
That of course is the other problem: the shows I like are all ones appreciation of which increases with repeated viewings. As a result, having something in the background that I've seen 30 times gets me very excited and I laugh hysterically while I am trying to do something very serious. If only I didn't bloody have undiagnosable ADD and didn't have to watch tv to do work. But you know what, I have this impediment for a reason. Somehow, in some way, it is going to allow me to improve the world. Not quite sure how as I listen to Cartman swear over a video game, but I maintain my optimism.

Am I subtly becoming a socialist?

As I sat here, perusing educational opportunities that would eat my entire year's salary with one gulp, I thought out loud, why is education so expensive? And the feeling underlying that was, education is the sort of thing that you shouldn't have to pay for, that society should sponsor, that we should all be grateful for the degree to which we benefit from the education of others.
Admittedly, this is not a one-off for me. It relates quite closely to an international education plan I have that is designed to both improve conditions for Africans while simultaneously improving conditions for Americans. (I always say, best to do a win-win situation). Perhaps the two don't really differ if you can legitimately argue that educating the top candidates in the U.S. benefits the country as a whole, but when you're talking about comparative literature, that's a stretch. And I say that even though I was brainwashed for a long period of time into believing that comparative literature could save the world. (see remnants of said belief in description of Africa project)

Extremes

It's a little late so I'm not thinking entirely clearly (I also continue to suffer from the bitterness alluded to in my earlier post, which muddles my thinking) but reading this article reminds me of something, something very very bad. As a friend was noting the other day, all extremes are bad, but this just strikes me as insane and unacceptable. Now part of that is that I am sort of wildly open-minded and any restrictions on anyone strike me as unacceptable. But part of it is that this just isn't what it's about. And I don't care what the rabbis say or condone, it's just not. And I'm going off on a limb here, but religion is about good, positive things, and if someone needs to change how he/she lives, there is a positive way to address that. And anyone with any background in helping people improve their lives can tell you that except in unusual situations, the sort of treatment alluded to in the article will not result in an improved life, for anyone involved. And it depresses me because I was planning a trip to Israel and now I'm second-guessing myself.

Foul Drink

"An offering unique to the Olive Festival was the "beertini."

"Every glass of beer gets one or two large olives with a pimento in it, and we call it a beertini," Tavares said. "The object is to work down to the olive."

The line for the popular drink often more than 15 people deep.

"People love the beertini," event co-chairwoman Sherri McGinnis said."

http://www.insidebayarea.com/argus/localnews/ci_10639214

Seriously???? I mean possibly a grosser thing would be if the olive were replaced by rat poison but short of that, it's hard to imagine a grosser drink.

Whole Foods

I really have to stop paying $15 for mediocre sushi. But it's so damn convenient. I should have given it to the homeless man along with the rest of my stuff. And why am I suddenly giving away my purchases to homeless people and contemplating selling all of my worldly possessions on ebay? WTF is going on?

Nancy Gray

So I have very mixed emotions about her. Clearly, she is borderline insane. But there is something to her ability to communicate with/attack average people that is clearly a skill. I am currently referring to her coverage of the latest OJ Simpson trial. I mean, everyone knows he was guilty in the first trial, even though I thought he should have been found innocent (as he was) so maybe it's only a fair outcome? I feel like stuff like that always happens to me, meaning I get prosecuted for things that I did in the past, so it's probably part of the way the universe works and he should just accept it and move on. Oy, do I need to sleep...

Humanity

This is going to be a really nasty post so I'm saving it for later when I calm down. However, to sum up, people are assholes. Self-centered, deprecating, and stupid. The last doesn't really have anything to do with it, but there's a reason it's there.

Stress

I must say that I am extremely happy that I am not one of those people who is unable to control stress. Reading stories about teenagers throwing up due to anxiety in anticipation of tests reminded me that I knew a bunch of people like that in high school and it must have been awful not only for them, but for their parents. As a parent, I just wouldn't have any idea what to do with that - I mean, how could you allow yourself to get so upset that you would be physically ill over something like a test? I guess as a parent you would try to calm them down, rationalize with them, but if they're teenagers, you've lost them already, you screwed something up in terms of teaching them priorities. I could probably do with more stress in my life, or at least a greater sense of urgency, or at least some respect for the system. Because there is a reason for stress and it can be extremely helpful, under the right circumstances. But I only get stressed out about irrational things and generally quite randomly so it's not at all productive. Like a couple months ago I became extremely stressed that I couldn't immediately find a collection of DVDs that had been missing for about a year. It was completely absurd, as I wasn't suddenly going to find them and in all likelihood they are not even in my apartment and I couldn't even play the majority of them as they're zone 2 and I had to set my computer to zone 1. But that's the weirdness of stress.

VP Debate

This is madness. It's making it unclear that Biden is about a million times more qualified for this position and would be infinitely more useful to a president than Palin because she is dragging down the level of the debate to some ridiculous laugh-fest. Sorry, but there's something about her personality that just hits my buttons - she's precisely the type of person I absolutely hate, who is condescending and stupid. Obviously, the worst combination to put in the white house. As in an earlier election, a wise individual told me that my vote for myself (I generally vote for myself) was a vote for the person I really didn't want to win may force me to not vote for myself this time. A dear friend also pointed out that since I do not meet the constitutional qualifications, it really is a vote wasted and that I should vote for my sister, who does meet the qualifications. I may be more comfortable with that.
Oh, and if I hear "maverick" again about an old white guy with like 8 homes and an idiot white woman who couldn't be more average american I am going to throw up. Sorry this sounds so partisan, but wow, Palin is really annoying.

Self-control

I logged on here because I suddenly became convinced that I had published about something I shouldn't have, given my readership. And had to thoroughly search to confirm that no, I had not been idiotic enough to put up here those particular thoughts and that they either went in an e-mail or were part of some conversation. The fact that I can't distinguish in my memory between different forms of communication is rather interesting in and of itself - it means my memory is treating me posting something here as the equivalent of having a face-to-face discussion with someone, which probably says something very profound about how much I actually get out of face-to-face interactions (in general, some, obviously, would not be confused with a blog post). But the more important lesson is self-control and that I need to re-establish the filter between my brain and my mouth/fingers. Not a strength of mine. Not something I would list on my resume. But, perhaps of course, I would argue that there is great value in lacking a certain amount of self-control because it allows you to explore things that others would be fearful of. The predictability of those with strong self-control limits their ability to add to the world and to improve their own lives. Plus they're boring and tend to be condescending (ABSOLUTELY with no right whatsoever). Now that I'm done attacking half of America I'll go back to resting up...

"Dr. House is not a firm believer in strict adherence to hard work"

I had forgotten how much I love House until last night. My obsession with all things medical obviously is a bonus but it's really his remarkable attitude problem and total disrespect for authority that draws me to the show. The only reason I'd forgotten is that I realized that, unlike other things I like, I only need to watch House episodes once, i.e., nothing is gained from watching them multiple times whereas other shows can be better understood and appreciated with multiple viewings. Ergo, I haven't watched House in probably a year, because I also only like to watch multiple shows at once. So last night was a rather delightful dip back into his crazy-competent waters. I appreciate his drug addiction, his bizarre obsessions with certain women and inability to deal with others, his total self-obsession, to the point where the life of others is in danger, really just everything that is appalling about his personal character. The rejection of traditional rules is really the key.

Multiple Arrests

I am pretty impressed with this fellow who has been arrested 1,000 times. They don't quite cover it in the video, but the question then really is, what percentage of the time are you in jail versus out of jail. I mean, this guy must know the system inside and out.
For example, I assume he is up on this evidently common prison trick of getting seroquel for kicks. It seems like a stretch but I have no idea what seroquel does so maybe it's the best drug ever invented or something. Who knows.

People in public places who stand or move slowly where other people could move should be shot and killed

It is totally and completely unacceptable for people to walk slowly. I don't know how much that has to be expanded upon because it's painfully obvious but I will try later on.

More...

To continue my saga, I go over to the neighbor, simply to ask, how long will this be going on? I do this wearing the B'nai Mitzvah flannel pants from some twins in my brother's class and a worn out Stanford sweatshirt and mismatched socks. She begins violently gesturing and babbling quickly in something that simply is not a language. I repeat my question more slowly and clearly, hoping I will at least get something resembling some language I'm familiar with, and considering that's everything except African languages, I have a pretty good shot. But she continues on in her nonsense "language" and points at the door across the hall. At which point I notice that I am actually still hearing the noise, but much more softly. So I can't figure out, is she paid by the person in that apartment to do construction or is that person actually doing the construction. But the latter is an impossibility given how loud it was in my apartment. So there must be construction going on in both apartments. But I don't care about the other apartment so her pointing there is what is throwing me off. I'm thinking the head person must be working there. I think she just went on her lunch break so I'll hassle the head fellow when she comes back and the sound of a drill boring into my head starts again.

Communal Living

When I lived in London, I worked with this total asshole who in response to my complaints about the unbelievable amount of noise the people who lived above me made commented, well, that's what you get for living in communal housing. As though I'd chosen to live in an apartment in east london with hypodermic needles outside the front door over a house in the suburbs just for kicks. I thought of this today because the asshole who lives next door to me is evidently building one of those wooden play homes from scratch, as far as I can tell from the amount and type of noise coming from next door. I mean, what the fuck? This has been going on for two days and seriously, you would think they were building an apartment from scratch over there. Then in the afternoon, the jerk plays music. I need to do two things: 1) chill out a little bit about this temporarily and 2) move into the other room and sleep on the couch and forgo my extravagant mattress. But seriously, I am going to ask him how long this is going to last because I am very ill and this is unacceptable.

Sadness

So I am ill. It is one of those really bad illnesses that just goes on forever and you wonder if you'll ever feel better and you start to cancel plans that are like 4 days in the future, even though you've already been sick for 5 days and a 9 day illness seems very unlikely and clearly grounds for a hospital stay. This one is particularly pernicious for two reasons: 1) it is a recurring illness that causes one's brain to be totally fried and 2) the other symptoms are constantly changing and suddenly getting worse and then better. It's this crazy roller coaster ride. For example, I was doing fine being delirious and unable to sit up and then suddenly, my stomach feels like I dropped a tub of acid into it. Or I become convinced I live in a different country. Or I alternate between being incredibly hot and incredibly cold. Right now I am concentrating on keeping down a 1/16th of a bottle of gatorade. It is very very difficult. Which of course will mean that I won't eat anything today because there is no way I'll keep down any food, which will make me weaker, which will make things worse. Not that I really have any food. Well I guess I have about 50 frozen chicken breasts but that would be such a sad meal because I wouldn't be able to put anything on it b.c. my stomach couldn't handle it. Not just eating 50 frozen chicken breasts. That would, well, I'm not even sure what the outcome of that would be. I doubt I could eat 50 chicken breasts in one sitting, even if vomiting were allowed. I think I would collapse long before the end. Okay getting too dizzy.

Down Comforters

It has always been a great fascination of mine that for some inexplicable reason, Scandinavians are able to make top quality, warm but never too warm, absolutely perfect down comforters while Americans can only seem to make crap that I'm allergic to and out of which feathers come immediately and which are never warm enough. I mean, can it really be that hard to make a decent comforter? And why in the world are we not just importing their products when they are far superior? You seriously can't find that quality in the states. I honestly think there must be some kind of conspiracy behind it.

Egg

Egg has to be one of the grossest things that exists. So why, oh why, do asian restaurants insist that you want egg on your food, even when you very clearly say you don't? Or in, the latest and by far grossest incarnation, provide you with a separate small plastic container of egg to add to your food after you have said that you don't want any egg three times in a short conversation. It is the sickest thing I have ever seen and I am certain that it will haunt my dreams tonight.

Best TV show ever

Arrested Development. It is funny, b.c. a friend recently mentioned it to me in the context of, oh, have you ever seen this and it's kind of akin to asking someone if he/she has ever seen his/her big toe. I've watched this show nearly every day for the past few years and know absolutely everything about it. And it is brilliant. I don't claim it's for everyone. If, for example, you like that Everybody likes Raymond or whatever it's called show, don't bother looking this one up. Although you should bother checking to see whether you have a pulse and you might need a neurological workup. Sorry, I'm feisty today. A headache that won't go away...

Nudist Beach

I am going to steal the text of this from a friend as I personally have never been to a nudist beach: "on the nudist beach, it's actually really cool because it's like going to a place where you KNOW that everyone there is going to be openminded. i mean, 90+% of the time, the people who are naked are not the people you wanna see naked, and mostly older. but still, you know that the nude people and, more importantly, those who purposely went there, are going to be cooler than the "family" section. I wish there was more demarkation of that sort in general. i mean, i don't want to be around closeminded people....the less i have to see them the better, right? "

The really interesting part about the analysis is that what it touches is the essence of the people, which is somehow "ironic" because in our society the nudity should take precedence in terms of what one would pay attention to. But clothes are just this odd construction of society (apart from cold places where such things were needed) that forces us to feel as though our bodies should look a certain way and we shouldn't allow people to see certain parts of ourselves. But it's terribly odd because it's not based on anything. I mean, I can think of a million reasons why the clothing industry would develop and thrive, but none of them could justify the legal consequences for going about without clothing. All of it is commercial, it's all about money, and I know I'm being naive even for the super-naive version of myself, but politics are meant to do good, not to help industry.
The main reason I feel odd about this conclusion that I'm drawing is that the Germans are particularly fond of nudity in general (beaches, camps etc.) and despite all my work to overcome my bias against the Germans, I still harbor a slight bias. Although to my credit, it has to do with their current weirdness and not their actions in WWII, as was previously the case.
But there is something deeper about assuring that we not allow people to be nude in society. It gives away too much. It allows you to be too much yourself. It doesn't hide enough. It doesn't make you similar enough to other people. To go back to the 80s or 90s, it doesn't provide you with full Gap outfits with matching tops, bottoms and even socks. It says, we really aren't conformists, but individuals. And government, society, is scared to death of individuals. And that's the real basis, the fear of reality, the fear of rebellion. Because once people realize they are individuals and not cogs, there is inevitably rebellion.

The inevitable end of the world

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/09/07/business/fannie.php


Also thanks to all who have written to me with concern over the past few days. I am still alive and still working. And still watching Wes Anderson movies in the background.

Job Assessment

I must recommend this as the most inane tool EVER in the history of man for determining what your career choice should be. The truly remarkable part is that not only did it accurately correctly list my current job as the one I should be doing it also listed the other jobs I had considered in its top list. Almost creepy: http://www.careerpath.com/careerassessmentquiz/colorcareercounselor.aspx

Ah, late night debauchery...

It is always a problem when something is so offensive that you can't think of a single person that you can send it to and yet you are laughing your ass off.

Buying drugs online

So evidently, it is not possible to buy cocaine online: http://www.kirkbytimes.co.uk/alaughitems/crack/crack.html

Cab drivers

When did cab drivers start getting so friendly in terms of saying profuse thank yous when you give them a tip? I remember a gruff noise that indicated that you were supposed to get out quickly so someone else could get in, not multiple, thank you ma'ams, over and over. Very weird.

Also very weird is that my credit card has completely miscalculated my bill, claims I overpaid last month by over a thousand dollars and that my current month's bill is three times what it actually is. I am slightly annoyed.

More thoughts from friends

"The best restaurant I know of is in a food court in Alexandria."

Rain

I love rain. Absolutely love it. Love to run and jump and play and stand in it and it just makes me happy to watch it. However, there are certain times and places where the presence of rain is inappropriate. One such place is the business district. All these poor people dressed up in their nice work clothes getting wet and messy and jumping puddles and avoiding the umbrella overflow because somehow no matter what you do with the umbrella you still manage to get wet somewhere. And I've really had enough. It's like we live in the middle ages. It is time to build giant weather domes over cities to protect people from inclement weather. How can politicians sit passively by when their citizens are needlessly exposed to the elements? We wouldn't have to deal with rain or snow or wind or anything else that is rather annoying. Isn't it time, America? Or at least those places with populations large enough for me to give a damn about whether or not they get wet on the way to work. I may have to take time off from my general plan to take over the world to get this done because if I have to wait 10 minutes for a cab one more time, someone in City Hall is getting it.

Layered Feelings of the day

I don't have the time to explain what I feel by layered feelings but suffice it to say I experience many different feelings and reactions and thoughts and experiences at the same time. Today, the predominant layered feeling is of being on my way to go see a movie in Paris. I lived there for a while and saw movies all the time (sometimes 3-4 times a week) but somehow my mind has managed to amalgamate all those experiences into some common elements, things that flash in the back of my head and immediately transport me, and I'm rushing along the Seine trying to make a film I should have left for 5 minutes earlier but as usual, couldn't get out of bed. And all of the city is rushing by as I'm walking at my break-neck pace, it almost feels like I'm flying.
And I never reach the theatre, of course. It's only about the experience, the part that is living, the part that reaches into your soul.

Pet peeve number 2

People who say they are going to call at a specific time and do not call at that specific time. Now yes, this is me being me (autistic, anal, bitchy, what have you) since for most people a casual, let's do the call at 8 means 8-ish. But if someone says 8 to me, it means 8, period. I am fully prepared at 8. No earlier, no later. And I have trouble handling the time that is being wasted while I am sitting, waiting for the call at 8, and nothing is happening. And these other people, totally calmly, eventually get around to getting on the line, on their own sweet time. And in the interim, I am completely stressed because now I have no idea when the call is going to happen and it could happen at any moment and I HATE hearing the phone ring unexpectedly because it reminds me of the alarm going off in the morning, which is the worst feeling in the world (short of being forcibly passed out via nitroglycerin, see earlier post and as a side-bar, I was wondering today if death feels like that and if so, I think I want to research a more pleasant means of departure because even waking up with a tube fully enveloping my throat - so you feel like you're choking to death - while I was supposed to be unconscious was a far superior feeling). Which brings up another point which is that I actually hate it when the phone rings. Or my blackberry goes off. Or there is any unexpected noise whatsoever. Oh and the worst, the WORST (because I live almost adjacent to a church) are church bells. Okay, play your bells to remind people to go to mass, alright. But playing entire songs for 15 minutes or a half hour? If I had the strength to get out of bed on a Sunday morning I would rush into their house of worship in a rage and do something inappropriate, I don't know, steal holy water or something. But you're allowed to take it, so that wouldn't really cut it. What I should really do is put a silencer on the bells like we did on the fire alarm freshman year of college (as an explanation, the building was too moist which caused the fire alarm to go off an average of 3-8 times daily, at times like 4 am, so we were really forced to eventually take action - not that the fire dept agreed with our decision but we talked them down from some massive fine after explaining the drama of the situation. The fire department does NOT like it when you make it so the alarm cannot actually go off. FYI.).

Pet peeve of the day

Doctors who don't call you back when you call regarding a potentially life-threatening condition. If I call and say, I was going in and out of consciousness for an hour today and I'm wondering what I should do, I think that deserves a call back. I'm not a bloody telemarketer.

Amazon

Why does amazon insist on recommending books and DVDs that I've already purchased from Amazon? I mean, there are just about a million reasons why that is inefficient, a waste of time, money and a turnoff in terms of future customer base.
p.s. I just discovered today is only Tuesday. That may explain part of my wrath.

cabs (redux)

so assuming you are in a cab and the cab driver is speaking in a foreign language. 9 times out of 10 this means he isn't talking to you, but about about that 1 in 10 time when you're not sure? when clearly his comment has something to do with the common situation you are experiencing (traffic etc) and thus a response would be apprropriate. And yet, how are you supposed to know what to respond given the language gap? And would he think it would be weird for you to respond, to enter his space, as it were? Should you laugh politely, say "can you believe this," "tut-tut" in a sort of british manner and shake your head as you absently play with your blackberry. What is the solution? More later, must go to meeting.

Review of Blue Velvet

Clearly, I missed something. What was the excitement that was supposed to come from this? What was so innovative and intriguing? I mean, as far as I can tell, it's just a condescending take on what life is like for "average" people, and assuming there even are average people. I am disappointed.

Frustration

I just again woke up thinking it was 12 hours later than it actually was. And this time I was fully dressed and rushing out the door, making sure I had enough cab fare (b.c. by these calculations I was otherwise going to be late for a meeting). SOOOO intolerable. This hasn't happened to me since high school.

Spiderman

Admittedly, my on work decision to climb the exterior of the Sears Tower, on the condition that I figure out someway that all the news stories about it would include the word "spiderman" was probably a little off. I blame the morning, the walk, and my general distaste for people who walk slowly and don't obey the rules of walking (a short stocking stuffer book that if I get my act together should be ready for this year's festivities). But what was ready incredible was that the reason I really didn't pursue it any further is that I have no idea where you would get the equipment necessary for such a feat. I can barely find things that should be easy to get on the internet, let alone sticky devices that are going to get me to the top of one of the tallest buildings in the world. So I talked myself out of it, and went to work instead. Perhaps for another day, or perhaps another idea that will lead to greatness. But I guess the moral of the story is that I really shouldn't be left alone, even for the half hour walk to work. I may need to find a work-walking buddy.

Blah...

Ever have the impression that you would like to just drop off the face of the earth? That if you have to respond to one more e-mail or phone call or text message that that will be it, that you will collapse and die the way people used to die of "old age," just somehow perish because it was appropriate and your time?
And then alternately you're making all these plans that cause that to be an entirely unrealistic scenario, in terms of fixing, that is.
Such a sleepytime bear...

Temper

One more comment before I really delve into work - do I really need to improve my temper? I mean, the reality is that my seeming "overreactions" are actually appropriate given the idiocy of the people with whom I am dealing. So perhaps my reaction is an important teaching tool for them - they will think twice before saying stupid things, reflect on their responses, consider alternatives, learn how to deal with people on a more realistic basis and generally become better employees. The best employees are always the ones who've gone through hell in terms of customer service b.c. they understand how to deal with people and how to respond to their visceral reactions. So perhaps I am doing society a favor by being troublesome/reactionary, I don't know, generally socially unacceptable, because I am helping others learn to deal with the real world and not just the fake world of people from Omaha who are just happy about everything and would never complain violently about the lack of gluten-free food options on a stranded flight.

Newark

Oh! And then Sunday night I ended up on the tarmac at newark for approximately 7 hours. I calculated that I have been in and out of Newark a minimum of 50 times, which is a lot for a place that is such a shit-hole (and I don't use that term lightly). I almost didn't care b.c. earlier it magically took me 40 minutes to find a sushi place in union square (all these places were closed on Sunday, it was surreal), then my ride to the airport canceled at the last minute, I had to take a cab, the cab driver threw me out due to some disputes over the fare calculation and my choice of language (that escalated nicely, as it tends to do when people try to tell me I'm in the wrong), I couldn't get on the earlier flight despite my status and so I just went into mental shock and hybernation mode. Apart from swearing, sotto voce, at the stewardasses as they screamed at the people in the seats next to me about whether they wanted drinks when it was clear that I was sleeping. I need to send a series of complaints to United (they also canceled my original flight to ny w/out telling me and just sent me a notice that my flight to denver has been rerouted), not that it ever does me any good, or that those fools in India care that I can't sleep on the tarmac in a place they've only vaguely heard of (I swear I repeated and spelled out "Newark" like 10 times and they're asking me for an alternate name and, well, again, I need to learn to control my temper). I will note that my fare for this trip magically went down by $50 AFTER I booked the ticket, which was pretty fascinating. So perhaps I can only complain so much?

Passing out - intentionally

I forgot (b.c. I've been sleeping for about a week now) to post about the intentional passing out. It is called a tilt table test and so you go to the hospital, they place you on a table, put you at a 70 degree angle (why exactly the dr said was unclear and it's weird b.c. you just feel like you're standing and not at an angle at all) they set up heart and blood pressure monitors and just check things out every 2 minutes for 40 minutes. So I sort of knew nothing would happen, because this isn't my passing out pattern. I get dizzy and sweaty and things go black from me standing up too long in the morning but I never actually pass out. And nothing did happen. But it turns out my internet research had failed me and there was a second part to the test - nitroglycerin. If nothing happens after the 40 minutes, they give you this tab to dissolve under your tongue. I'm thinking, well that won't have any effect b.c. it's not intravenous. Within 30 seconds I have the worst headache of my life and within a minute my eyes are closed (because I can't bear to have them open anymore), I feel horribly nauseous and seriously have the sensation I am about to die. The next time I'm conscious I'm kind of not quite conscious but it doesn't feel like I'm at an angle anymore. Minutes pass. Slowly I kind of come to. And the technician says, that was it, a positive tilt table test. My blood pressure dropped to 30 over something, as she tells me, and my heart rate went to zero for 8 seconds. So obviously, I passed out. It was a pretty gross passing out and completely unlike my other episiodes, except for one in high school that was an unrelated matter, but I guess in the end, wasn't, since it turns out I have this thing. So anyways, that was a rather enlightening morning that will no doubt cost me several hundred more dollars. I sort of feel like just letting northwestern do a direct withdrawal from my bank account on a monthly basis. Although I do enjoy their multi-page monthly bills detailing all the doctors I've seen and tests they've done. I feel like I've accomplished something with my time.

And the weirdness continues....

I am almost too tired to type, my narcolepsy/hypersomnia reaching its peak, but I must note the almost overwhelming prevelence of people who are strangers who smile and say hello to me. I have absolutely, no question, had enough of it. Yes, perhaps a certain percentage of these fall within the category of people I don't recognize but I refuse to believe that this explains all of it. We're talking like 10 people a day now. Some of these people are just total weirdos and need to be removed from the streets for the safety of people like myself, who are so disturbed by their behavior that they swerve into oncoming traffic to get away. The remainder need to be put on anti-manic medication and hospitalized for the betterment of society.

In case you were wondering...

In Rev. Proc. 2001-41 (IRB 2001-33) the IRS modified Rev. Proc. 2001-2 to clarify that it will not issue technical advice on frivolous issues. For purposes of this program, a "frivolous issue" is one without basis in fact or law, or that espouses a position which has been held by the courts to be frivolous or groundless.

Internet Weirdness

So, in its totality, this is among the weirder things I have ever seen - to make this claim, I require that the comments be included (the subject, to the extent you can say there actually is one, is the Obama family): http://bluecountyredstate.blogspot.com/2008/02/michelle-obama-failed-illinois-bar-exam.html

10 minutes of Torah

Reflections at 60 Part IV

In the days of the messiah…nothing in the current reality will change except that Israel will have political sovereignty…
-Rambam (Maimonides, 1135-1204) Commentary to Mishnah Sanhedrin 10:1

It is true that in the days of the fulfillment of the mitzvot [i.e., when the messiah comes] the Land of Israel will be like the world in the beginning before the sin of the first man. No more will there be animals that kill…
-Ramban (Nachmanides, 1194-1270), Commentary on Leviticus 26:6

Before Zionism, in the middle ages, there was no consensus on just what the restored Israel would look like. The debate between the pro- and anti-Maimonideans reached the level of book-burning. Maimonides claimed that the only difference between the present reality and the messianic age would be the restoration of Jewish political sovereignty: we would be relieved of the yoke of oppression by the nations, and would be free to study Torah and live according to it. This flew in the face of the popular conception of a re-born world, in which lions would really lie down with lambs etc.

Even if we see Maimonides' view as relatively a rational and realistic understanding of redemption in history, still, it brings us to the classical Orthodox belief that anticipates a return to the good old days when David ruled and the Temple stood – a Jewish sovereign state with the Temple sacrificial cult – conducted by the descendants of Aaron – as the official religion. That is the vision of the future/past repeated daily in the traditional liturgy. To this end there are institutions today dedicated to clarifying the exact details of the ritual objects of the Temple , from the measurements of the menorah to the recipe for techelet dye. To this end we keep track of who is a cohen. And of course, once the kingdom is established, it will be governed by Torah law. It is easy to dismiss this version of restored utopia as a romantic dream, a fantasy nurtured by two thousand years of remembering and longing. However, there seem to be many people who believe literally in this vision and not a few who are willing to take action – even violent action – in order to bring it closer to realization. In this view the boundaries of the restored kingdom will reflect not merely the maximum extent of the biblical monarchy, but the prophetic promise of "from the river of Egypt to the Euphrates ."

The restoration of a biblical kingdom relieves us of having to wrestle with the moral dilemmas that beset sovereign states today – from who gets to vote to whose phone can be tapped. David's monarchy existed before minority rights and individual freedoms were concerns of government. Democracy was a long way off. David (or God) invented what later became known as the divine right of kings. Wiping out a tribe or a nation, subjugating them as slaves, converting them by force – these were all considered perfectly legitimate options, methods used by Israel – and others – in ancient times without giving rise to commissions of inquiry or international tribunals or boycotts. Presumably, a restoration of such a kingdom implies a restoration of the ambient world view of the period, relieving us of having to worry about new ideas that have developed since then. Mark Twain's Connecticut Yankee took his 19th century democratic values back with him into the middle ages and tried to implement them there. But it seems that there is a strand in our tradition that aspires to bring biblical society back to life in the post-modern world, implementing ancient values in our own time, overruling, or erasing, the accretions of law and value that have accumulated in the interim.

It is easy to see why this is a tempting prospect, and why it is hard to hold back from trying to live out this approach even in advance of the final redemption. But can we really forget what we have learned from the past two thousand years of experience with God and man?

Sleepy time bear

To explain that last comment, "sleepy time bear" is family-speak for tiredness and time to go to bed. It refers to the Celestial Seasonings tea called "Sleepytime" that is largely chamomile based, but has a very sleepy bear in his nightgown and cap barely awake on the cover. So instead of saying bedtime or sleepy or various other things, we would say, sleepy time bear. I still say it, because I'm really still a kid. I believe my siblings have moved on, but they still understand me when I say it.

Did I inadvertently move to Akron Ohio?

I was just walking home from sushi with a friend when a girl I've never seen before in my life, while talking on the phone, smiled at me and mouthed a very friendly "hi." Admittedly, best guess is that I actually know this person as I frequently do not recognize people I even know very well. However, it made me think that strangers were being unduly friendly and I had been transported someplace else, someplace less urban, less to my liking. Sleepy time bear.

Paper bags as garbage bags

p.s. I decided on this that since the two places I shop for groceries only offer paper bags, I have no choice but to throw away my garbage in paper bags. I know this doesn't really work, mainly because you don't really close the bag so you're essentially just throwing waste down the garbage chute, however, I know of people who have done far more outrageous things with their garbage that if I detailed here would cause them to come after me and beat me down so I'll leave it at that.

Passwords

I understand the concept behind passwords, really, I do. And it all seems good and well until you actually have to live in the world of passwords. I complained earlier when my company suddenly called me and said, um, you were supposed to put a password on your blackberry months ago and today is the ultimate deadline so either put a password on or it will stop working, so I have to struggle to push those tiny buttons (a particular problem right now b.c. my nails have grown extraordinarily long, a separate issue). In any case, just now, in the middle of the day (not really the middle of the day but I've been at work for a couple of hours because I got here early so it feels like the middle of the day) my computer stopped working, telling me my password had expired. Now, fair enough, my password had expired. I knew it expired today. I was surprised when it didn't tell me that when I logged in, but I figured I had miscalculated and "one day" meant I had one more day after this one. Point being, I didn't get any prompting to change my password so I just continued on. Had I been prompted it would have been an easy process, switch to the new password (I have a system so this is a straightforward process), move on. See, a big part of my annoyance is that I leave all my various programs running so this password reset forced me to shut down about 7 explorer windows and 6 word windows and many other programs that just run as singles. And I wouldn't have had to do that if it had just prompted me when I got in this morning.
Not to mention that the idea of someone getting past the presidential-style security downstairs and making it onto the floor which requires keycard entry and ending up at my computer and somehow knowing my password seems rather ludicrous. But I don't dispute the need for passwords. I say, fair enough, to that. But I would just appreciate it if the prompting for new passwords happened at log-in and not in the middle of the day. This strikes me as an eminently reasonable request.

Gmail google ads

Scare the hell out of me. Somehow they manage to address things I am TALKING about, that have never hit a computer. I am very disturbed by this.

More comments from friends

"you remind me of the crazy girl in the breakfast club"

Headaches

So I find it fascinating enough that some people evidently get headaches from eating cold things. I forget what these are called, but I just even have trouble believing this is true, or understanding how you could allow it to happen to you more than once, given the dramatic reaction people have when it happens to them.
Ditto for my new headache finding, the "sugar headache." Evidently, some people get headaches as the result of excessive sugar intake. I discovered this in a posting in a nytimes article about obesity that went like this "Our preoccupation with weight and diet obscures the opportunity to feel great and comfortable in our bodies. Somehow the guilt of a pancake breakfast overrides the discomfort of the sugar headache that we endure all morning. " Like people are constantly having sugar headaches? I mean, I've never heard of this in my entire life.
Here's another one - headaches when the weather is icky. Now that one, I believe and it's not anyone's fault, but it does qualify as weirdness.

Wes Anderson

I think this is likely far too revealing about myself, but I think I'm in love with Wes Anderson. The reason I think it's really love and not just a liking or an infatuation is that my feelings are very complex, run the gamut, and yet at the end of the day, in his world I feel like I am in my world, for the only time ever and I feel like he cares about and understands me. Take, for example, the royal tenenbaums, which I believe to be my favourite movie ever in the history of the world. There's something remarkable about how the personalities of the children and the parents and the servant blend together into this perfect symphony of human reality. All those people are my people, they are all just like me, in different ways. It's like he took me and broke me into my component parts and then exaggerated them into full entities.
For Rushmore, I have the same love. Rushmore, again, is basically, a different version of me. I could have been him had circumstances been different. I was similarly involved in a panoply of activities in school and was constantly trying to start random things and causing disruptions but I never had real academic problems because my parents should have heeded the advice of the studies when I was 6 and they told me to skip 5 grades and then I wouldn't have been such a troublesome student (because I never did ANY work and was bored out of my mind) and I would have added 5 years to my life, but that's another complaint for another time.
The Life Aquatic is the one that causes me slight pain. I feel that it attempted to live off the success of the royal tenenbaums. There were clearly some good parts to it, but so much of it had to do with competition that doesn't really speak to me. I mean, competition in general doesn't speak to me. That's sort of untrue, but it's true at the same time so for now, we'll leave it at that.
However, I loved the colouring and I understood what he was going for and I agreed with the idea behind what happened. So I'm good with it.
Most recently, the Hotel Chevalier was just an ode. I really can't go any further into it.
The Darjeeling Limited I originally was highly disappointed with. Part of it is that every time I see I new Wes Anderson movie I assume it will be my new favourite movie. So expectations were high. Part of it was that I went to India a year ago and had a mixed experience (including 3 major illnesses) and so I wasn't so into seeing India again plus I knew what it was really like to travel in India, which differed a decent amount from Wes Anderson's version. However, a few days ago, I realized that I wanted to watch it again. (I of course bought it, assuming it would be my new favourite movie) And I realized that it, like Anderson's other movies, was brilliant. He just has this unbelievable gift for delving into the issues and problems that plague the truly neurotic and bizarre among us. And then, turning them into people. And making those people do terribly silly things while pretending to be adults. Or I suppose, doing their best to act the way adults do, without any of the skills of adults. Like moving into a hotel in Paris as you run away from an ex or leaving your wife six weeks away from her giving birth or taking a random mixture of medications you manage to get from the Indian drug store.
Anyways, it's nice to have an unrequited love. Not that I mind the requited ones, but it's nice to mix things up :)

Food Shopping

Always rather entertaining putting the food away because inevitably, I discover that I already have several of whatever I've purchased. I'm up to 5 containers of pesto now.

Fat

So a particular pet peeve of mine is the way women harass each other by saying "Oh! You're so skinny!" Inevitably, the person in question is not particularly skinny but the motivation is often not clear. Sometimes, women say this because they're jealous because the woman in question has lost weight. Other times, in contrast, this is said to draw attention to the woman's weight and the fact that she is NOT particularly skinny, usually done to draw contrast to the speaker, who is thinner. On other occasions, and most commonly, this essentially has nothing whatsoever to do with the woman's weight and a way of one woman insulting another. It usually follows up with subtle or not so subtle accusations of anorexia and feigned concerns for the woman's health. For the boys out there, one woman accusing another of anorexia is one of nastiest attacks that can be made, due to all the negative associations with self-esteem and the illness in general.

Also on the subject of fatness, for some reason I find it really kind of gross when people are super tan, like they clearly go tanning at least once a week, and they wear really tight clothes that cause their bare skin to create rolls of fat. It's especially weird because usually these people aren't particularly fat, they've just made bad clothing choices.

Finally, another annoyance is when things are marked "small" and you notice that the clothing doesn't fit on a normal hanger and has to be wrapped around to stay on. Like, clearly it's not a small. But then you don't know if any of the things are properly sized so then you have to check everything by digging in for the tag and you tire so greatly...

Garbage

So now that Whole Foods no longer offers plastic bags, are we allowed to throw our garbage out in paper bags?

Discourse

One of the reasons I anticipate this being an odd evening is that I haven't been able to walk in a straight line for the past couple of days. Not sure what that's about, I try to keep people noticing it to a minimum, obviously, but when you're just crashing into walls and slipping all over the place, it's hard to be subtle. It started, oddly enough, the morning of my sleep study. I had a sleep latency study where they test how you sleep in like hour long intervals. (absolute torture in my opinion, as that is far too little sleep) This was a follow-up to the standard sleep study where you sleep overnight and they see how you do. I sleep SUPER normal. It's actually quite abnormal, how healthy my sleep habits are. And yet, I need like 20 hours of sleep a day and pretty much have forever. So the new test will perhaps shed light onto medication that will keep me awake. Alternatively, I may have to take regular naps during the day. I would prefer the former, as I am familiar with the latter and it is a bit of a bitch to sleep/work/sleep/work etc.

Night of nonsense

Tonight this blog is going to be a mess of nonsense. First off, I love erratic cab drivers. Almost more than any other part of any city, anywhere, in the world (with the exception of Moscow but that's because I spent a previous life there and so there is a special bond). I feel so at one with the world when the cab is jumping from lane to lane, suddenly jerking to a stop, screaming and pounding on the horn, and then zooming off again. It's like aromatherapy to me.

Inspirational (sort of) Friday

ASHER YATSAR, Mishkan T'filah

Rachel Naomi Remen tells a beautiful story of learning about blessings from her grandfather. He tells her the story of Jacob’s struggle at Peniel, when he wrestles with a messenger. Remen’s grandfather describes the encounter between Jacob and the angel, telling her that Jacob’s leg was hurt in the struggle, and that before the angel left, he touched Jaocb on the place where it hurt. Remen recalls that as a child, “This was something I could understand, often my mother did this, too. ‘To help it getter better, Grandpa?’ I asked. But my grandfather shook his head. ‘I do not think so, Neshume-le. He touched it to remind Jacob of it. Jacob carried it all the rest of his life. It was his place of remembering.’” He leaves her with the idea that confusing an angel with an enemy isn’t the most important part of the story. Instead, the most important message is that everything has its blessing.
Remen reflects on this later in life, as she struggles with disease and pain, and finds meaning in it that struck me as I read the settings of Asher Yatzar. In response to the Jacob story she concludes, “It is a puzzling story, a story about the nature of blessings and the nature of enemies. How tempting to let the enemy go and flee. To put the struggle behind you as quickly as possible and get on with your life. Life might be easier then but far less genuine. Perhaps the wisdom lies in engaging the life you have been given as fully and courageously as possible and not letting go until you find the unknown blessing that is in everything.”
I have been fortunate to have been healthy and significantly pain free for most of my life. Yet I encounter theologians, mystics, physicians, congregants and friends who have struggled with illness, or with bodies that fail when the mind is strong, and have found such deep courage, strength, and meaningful connections to the Divine through this process. And I often find myself questioning my ability to have a similar deep relationship with God without having gone through such a struggle. I am particularly struck when I read the line, “were one of them to fail – how well we are aware!” we would lack the strength to stand before you.” As clergy, I am aware of this empirically, but not with first hand knowledge. Yet, why then, do I find myself reciting this daily blessing of real appreciation and gratitude – not only for my own continued health, but for the miracle that is the human body?
Some days – the second selection calls to me. I fear those moments of weakness; I know that failures of systems or health are inevitable in all our lives. So I find myself deeply responding to this idea, that though “I have asked for so much”, please God, don’t let me feel the pain and the defeat.
Years ago, I wrote a paper on the theologies of illness and healing for a class with Dr. Eugene Borowitz. Writing the paper reminded me of an old Judging Amy episode, in which Amy’s close friend is in remission from cancer, and tells Amy that she has found God. Amy is incredulous, seeing as her friend was the most “intelligent and rational” person she knows. Amy asks her friend, laughingly, “You don’t really think God cured you, do you?” The friend responded, “No. The medicine and hospital care cured me. But God was there.”
I’m challenged by this idea because the idea of “finding God” in a moment of distress sounds the alarm of “religion” and “fundamentalism”. However, when Amy says to another co-worker, “Can you believe it – my friend found God?” He replied, “I didn’t know He was lost.” I remember being caught off-guard by this. Maybe it’s less about finding God, as being able to take a look at your life in such a way that you notice that God was there all along. Like Jacob, as I have struggled with my faith, though I’ve doubted my ability to “find faith” if I am not ill, my search has led me to recognize the faith that might have been there, bamakom hazeh, in this place, all along.
Rosalie Boxt is the cantor of Temple Emanuel of Kensington, MD.
For more information about Mishkan T'filah, visit urj.org/mishkan.